Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
