I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
