I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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