On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
