someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
