how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
