i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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