we have pet lesbian snakes
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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