Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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