I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think i got beer on your cat.
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