I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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