My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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