Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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