in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
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scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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