So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
