That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Text me some of your sweat
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
