FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
