my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
