Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
