tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
