btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How's work?
Spinning.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
