i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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