Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Farmville is her only friend.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
