Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
