1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
