i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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