The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
