i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
