Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
