never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
