I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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