so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
