i think i have herpe
just one?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
