how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
