This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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