In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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