I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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