If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
