dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
