why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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