do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
