I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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