He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
