apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
