i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
