We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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