worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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