i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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