She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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