You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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