just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
