I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Quick, to the slutcave!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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