I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
