chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
