I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
