college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
